In the Library of Stores page, I will be removing a lot of stories. This is because I’ve since rewritten them and will be including them in an anthology soon. More details about that soon, but for anyone (taps microphone “Hello, is this thing on) reading, yeah, I am working on things.
So, I’m Still Here…
[looks at the last time I updated my website…coughs nervously]
I think in the future, people will look at the years of the pandemic as a really rough decade. It was a difficult time, but to quote Michael Caine, I “used the difficulty”.
Background: Actor Michael Caine was rehearsing a play early in his career. He was to enter a room where 2 people were arguing. But the two had gotten so into the characters one had thrown a chair and partially blocked the entrance. When he stopped rehearsal by mentioned to the director the chair was blocking him, he was told “Use the difficulty”
Michael: Well, what do you mean?
Director: If it’s a comedy, fall over it; if it’s a drama, pick it UP and SMASH it! Use the difficulty!
As a philosophy it’s not new. “If Life gives you Lemons, make Lemonade” or “In the midst of every crisis lies great opportunity.” Yet for how simple it is, it’s hard to put into practice. As we’ve also seen in history there are those who would loot a burning city, would seize power, would use a crisis for malevolent gain.
Yet I can see that for all that there are more people who are using the difficulty to make this world a better place. It’s hard because it depends on the person; they need to learn from their life experience, knowledge, and wisdom in combination with some situational awareness of available tools and resources, knowing when to fight, accept or adapt around change.
Not everyone can do this, not everyone is strong enough to do it, and it’s not often you can do it all the time. In 10.000 years none of what we do will matter – be it you or me or Joe Biden or Taylor Swift or the Pope or Mick Jagger or Greta Thunberg or “someone’s 16 year old beer drunk brother brother with a whispy goatee and his whole life like a thundercloud right in front of him” (to crib from Hunter S. Thompson).
So, since 2022 I’d said goodbye to Co-op Cannabis, I’d taken the Sage Techworks course, passed it and the ISTQB exam to be a Certified Tester, Foundation Level (April-July 2022). I’d interviewed for and was placed in a paying internship with a Large Financial Organization. I was prepping myself, taking training, rearranging my life to go back to a Monday to Friday 9-5 type life. In that time, I’ve learned so much on the job, I’ve moved to a new apartment, and I am getting better at understanding and using the flow in life to succeed…or at least try to make my small corner of the world better.
I accept that the one constant in life is change. I’ve moved. Moved into a new career. The family home was finally sold. I’m now of the generation with no older parents, uncles or aunts. And I am afraid of death and nostalgic for the passage of time.
Yet…as I type this I’m listening to my favorite musician, the sun is streaming in from the window, and rainbows (from my window glass prism) dance across the wall. Diva is quietly napping, although just now she let out a tiny RAAWWRR to let me know she was there. There are times when you could suspend time and be in the moment. Unchanging and unchanged, your mind is freed from the chains of time. That would be like trying to catch a handful of rain in an outstretched hand. But would that not in a way be heaven – to exist in a moment of contentment?
Throwback / Throw a light to the future Thursday
In March 2021 my sister Kathie had been told “yes, the cancer is back, and your time is up.” So, prior to the Easter weekend, I took a few days off work to travel to Edmonton. I visited Kathie, her family, and my other two siblings: Gail and Ken (and Ken’s wife & one of their sons). It was…great. We all talked, socialized, made each other laugh, and generally had a lovely time despite knowing this would probably be the last time we were all together.
Then on April 7th, I started my COVID19 journey, resulting in me spending almost 2 weeks at the Rockyview General Hospital, including 18 hours on my birthday spent in the ICU. Yes, I was scared, lonely, worried about my immediate future. I got through this with the great help of the staff, my friends and family who reached out to me, reminding myself I was probably in one of the safest locations in the world, and whatever drugs they pumped into me (one of which had a side effect of euphoria, so that was nice).
At the end of the month, I recovered enough to go home. I spent the next month and a bit recovering. I cleaned up and threw out a lot of things and people that seemed unimportant after facing such a personal struggle. I returned to work at Calgary Co-op in their Cannabis stores mid-June and was promoted to supervisor in July. All through this, I talked with Kathie as her health worsened. She died in August.
And my heart broke once again. But through it, I learned sometimes a thing that breaks cannot be glued together. Sometimes it breaks because like a snake shedding its skin, it’s outgrown what was there before.
In the last few months, I said goodbye to a friend who was an anti-vaxxer. I transitioned to a new store with all the stress involved there. My mom passed away 2 weeks ago at the age of 92.
There’s been some good things (more on that in a moment), yes this birthday might be hard, but I’ll be fine. Yes, if you want to call me up this weekend, take me for coffee, surprise me with even a balloon, I won’t say no. Because I have hope.
To quote the late Harvey Milk, “I know that you cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. And you, and you, and you…have got to give them hope.”
I realized, and am still realizing, that the “you” in there includes giving hope to yourself. Yes, it’s a shit world where shit happens. But it’s also a wonderful world where amazing things and people live. Not everyone will understand and support you, and that’s to be expected.
I’ve been told that I’m resilient, and that I seem hopeful. I will snark back that “I’m tired of being resilient”. But…that’s not to say I can’t give hope to myself, to others, and try to live an honest life in an imperfect world where sometimes our decisions are a guess.
So, I hope this year I enter into a POSITIVE mirror of last year. After the 23rd of April, I will be on a leave of absence from Co-op Cannabis thanks to the help of the Union of Calgary Coop Employees. Yes, unions are a good thing because unlike Human Resources, unions look out for employees.
Over the next two months, thanks to Community Futures Treaty 7, Sagetechwork, and Aboriginal Futures, I will be training in a course which hopefully will get me a career in Calgary’s growing tech industry. As well, not only will I be learning the course, I will be a peer coach to 3-5 other students on anything they ask. While I also learn from them their experiences, stories, and challenges as First Nations people.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but for once in a long time… I have hope. I hope you have hope too. Remember, happiness is amazing. It’s so amazing sometimes it doesn’t matter if it’s yours or that of another person.
Christmas Song of my youth, missing my sister, other thoughts
Back in the late 60s/early 70s, Zellers sold A Very Merry Christmas: Volume 3. It was an album with a lot of big name stars (at the time) and other talent belting out seasonal songs.
Mom bought it, and every Christmas growing up, she pulled this one out to play it. It’s actually quite a good album, with the music arranged mid-20th Century orchestral style only slightly veering into elevator music (more on that in a moment). As we got older and left home we heard this less and less, depending on whether or not we could get home for the holidays.
Of course, with the advent of the Internet and streaming music, it was only a matter of time for it to appear on YouTube and other streaming services. So for the last 10 years, every Christmas when I called up my sister Kathie to talk about Christmas plans, or when I was staying with her family in Edmonton, I would do my version of a “Rickroll”:
The Real Meaning of Christmas by the Ray Conniff Singers
This was the one “Elevator Muzak” type track on the album. Not to put down the skill of Ray Conniff or his choral group. At the time this style was popular. But now….yeesh. And the weird “Live as the Master may say” bit. I get that it’s referencing God/Christ/Magical Sky fairy but every time I hear that line, my twisted sense of humor immediately goes to some kind of the S&M/Master and slave kink play. Authoritarian mindsets and religion relies on that dominant/subservient relationship which is why I’m an atheist, but yeah…that’s a YIKES from me.
Kathie, long suffering from any teasing from her baby brother, would always respond with “Okay, I’m gonna hang up the phone now” or “Okay, I’m leaving the roooOOOoom”. Well, this year she left the room forever (#fuckcancer ).
I miss you, sis. Now this song – besides being schmaltzy – will always be a bittersweet symphony for me.
Live, Laugh, mADneSSs line of thoughts
Giving myself a quick hour to do something creative and humorous even if it is a random (to borrow from the late comedian George Carlin) “Brain dropping”. From my “Live, Laugh, mADneSSs” line of thoughts, words of wisdom, etc. Enjoy. Heh. Heehee. HehehehahahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA!
Posting to EvanKayne.com not Facebook…how “meta”
TL; DR: Found pizza, found some joy, but someone else lost theirs. Burp.
This just happened a few weeks ago. I had just finished a closing shift at ye olde cannabis dispensary, it had been a week since they told us they were closing this location due to low sales (we’re unionized so most of us selected transfers to other stores). I had the weekend off and really just wanted to shower and crawl into bed so I could forget the world for 8 hours.
I live in a 3 story walk-up apartment block built in the 1950s. Dragging my sorry ass up the stairs to the top floor, I turn the corner and see what turned out to be 2 pizza boxes and some garlic bread placed on the floor in front of my apartment.
I didn’t order any pizza.
I knock on the doors of my neighbours, but no one had ordered it. My nearest neighbour says “Well, maybe its the universe rewarding you”. Dear Universe: I requested to be sole winner of a $50 million lottery ticket, not sure how you got pizza from that, but….thanks?
There was no note as to the address other than saying how many items, delivery time (8pm) and “Tower” for the location. Not sure if that was the person or the building, not sure how it got there. I could have called the pizza joint but I knew that they’d probably say “eh, keep it no charge, it’s been sitting out for 2 hours so we can’t do anything about it”. Or worse, they’d say “well, you should pay for it!!”
I’m hoping it was someone who did this to cheer me up. Better than an angry customer wondering where their pizza was and taking it out on the staff…who’d then take it out on the delivery driver.
It was not bad, and it made a shitty week less shitty, so I found a minuscule amount of hope. Yay!
New Flash Fiction! I’m on TikTok! I’m still here!
New flash fiction either in Podcast or print format. This new and original story, while a work of fiction, is based off a fever dream I had when I was in the hospital. Coming damn close to death in April made me think about a lot of things and people in my life. In the aboriginal community, dealing with resiliency, there is the idea we have to be like the American Buffalo or Bison. The Bison faces into the storm, walks through and toward it. By doing so, it gets out of the storm faster.
And sometimes it sucks where part of that storm is seeing a sibling with a terminal illness knowing that by this time next year, she won’t be around. It sucks knowing everything changes, yet nothing is truly lost. And senior citizens plant trees the shade of which they know they will never sit in.
So, what trees shall I plant? That’s why I write even sometimes when there is a storm in my soul.
Also… I’m also on TikTok now, I’ve cut short my hair, I’m still getting used to the supervisor position at work (more hours, slightly better pay, but still protected by the union), and I’m trying to remember that the future is an adventure as the seasons change. With that, Vivaldi’s Four Seasons recomposed by Max Richter
COVID-19, Writing, and Edits
April 2021 will always be the lost month, as I was hospitalized with double pneumonia due to being infected with the South African variant of COVID-19. I was hospitalized for 13 days at the Rockyview hospital here in Calgary. It gave me time to think about my priorities in life.
I will be doing more writing, pushing myself to find ways (grants/online work, other) to live as a writer, even though I may have to work part-time at other jobs.
There is a casualty to this – the whole “Alone Plague” journal I was writing (and then – nervous cough – abandoned) will be removed from my website and Podcast pages over the next few days. It seems…juvenile now. That’s not to say it won’t come back, but as the writer I’ve decided this needs to be removed for the time being. True, nothing’s ever gone from the Internet, and I don’t hate the work, it’s just been superseded by life.
Distracted, Day not quite seized
Cannabis 102 Potcast: Medical vs. Recreational
A new “potcast” on medical vs. recreational cannabis is now available here (or on the Podcast) page. I’ve been distracted by other things in life, and like everyone else living through a pandemic, I’m NOT fine, but I am here and pushing to continue walking forward. If you want to support me, besides following me on social media, you can tip me on my Ko-fi page. Thanks, remember to dance once a day, and keep moving forward.