So, I’m Still Here…

[looks at the last time I updated my website…coughs nervously]

I think in the future, people will look at the years of the pandemic as a really rough decade. It was a difficult time, but to quote Michael Caine, I “used the difficulty”.

Background: Actor Michael Caine was rehearsing a play early in his career. He was to enter a room where 2 people were arguing. But the two had gotten so into the characters one had thrown a chair and partially blocked the entrance. When he stopped rehearsal by mentioned to the director the chair was blocking him, he was told “Use the difficulty”

Michael: Well, what do you mean?
Director: If it’s a comedy, fall over it; if it’s a drama, pick it UP and SMASH it! Use the difficulty!

As a philosophy it’s not new. “If Life gives you Lemons, make Lemonade” or “In the midst of every crisis lies great opportunity.” Yet for how simple it is, it’s hard to put into practice. As we’ve also seen in history there are those who would loot a burning city, would seize power, would use a crisis for malevolent gain.

Yet I can see that for all that there are more people who are using the difficulty to make this world a better place. It’s hard because it depends on the person; they need to learn from their life experience, knowledge, and wisdom in combination with some situational awareness of available tools and resources, knowing when to fight, accept or adapt around change. 

Not everyone can do this, not everyone is strong enough to do it, and it’s not often you can do it all the time. In 10.000 years none of what we do will matter – be it you or me or Joe Biden or Taylor Swift or the Pope or Mick Jagger or Greta Thunberg or “someone’s 16 year old beer drunk brother brother with a whispy goatee and his whole life like a thundercloud right in front of him” (to crib from Hunter S. Thompson).

So, since 2022 I’d said goodbye to Co-op Cannabis, I’d taken the Sage Techworks course, passed it and the ISTQB exam to be a Certified Tester, Foundation Level (April-July 2022). I’d interviewed for and was placed in a paying internship with a Large Financial Organization. I was prepping myself, taking training, rearranging my life to go back to a Monday to Friday 9-5 type life. In that time, I’ve learned so much on the job, I’ve moved to a new apartment, and I am getting better at understanding and using the flow in life to succeed…or at least try to make my small corner of the world better.

I accept that the one constant in life is change. I’ve moved. Moved into a new career. The family home was finally sold. I’m now of the generation with no older parents, uncles or aunts. And I am afraid of death and nostalgic for the passage of time.

Yet…as I type this I’m listening to my favorite musician, the sun is streaming in from the window, and rainbows (from my window glass prism) dance across the wall. Diva is quietly napping, although just now she let out a tiny RAAWWRR to let me know she was there. There are times when you could suspend time and be in the moment. Unchanging and unchanged, your mind is freed from the chains of time. That would be like trying to catch a handful of rain in an outstretched hand. But would that not in a way be heaven – to exist in a moment of contentment?

Throwback / Throw a light to the future Thursday

In March 2021 my sister Kathie had been told “yes, the cancer is back, and your time is up.” So, prior to the Easter weekend, I took a few days off work to travel to Edmonton. I visited Kathie, her family, and my other two siblings: Gail and Ken (and Ken’s wife & one of their sons). It was…great. We all talked, socialized, made each other laugh, and generally had a lovely time despite knowing this would probably be the last time we were all together.

Then on April 7th, I started my COVID19 journey, resulting in me spending almost 2 weeks at the Rockyview General Hospital, including 18 hours on my birthday spent in the ICU. Yes, I was scared, lonely, worried about my immediate future. I got through this with the great help of the staff, my friends and family who reached out to me, reminding myself I was probably in one of the safest locations in the world, and whatever drugs they pumped into me (one of which had a side effect of euphoria, so that was nice).

At the end of the month, I recovered enough to go home. I spent the next month and a bit recovering. I cleaned up and threw out a lot of things and people that seemed unimportant after facing such a personal struggle. I returned to work at Calgary Co-op in their Cannabis stores mid-June and was promoted to supervisor in July. All through this, I talked with Kathie as her health worsened. She died in August.

And my heart broke once again. But through it, I learned sometimes a thing that breaks cannot be glued together. Sometimes it breaks because like a snake shedding its skin, it’s outgrown what was there before.

In the last few months, I said goodbye to a friend who was an anti-vaxxer. I transitioned to a new store with all the stress involved there. My mom passed away 2 weeks ago at the age of 92.

There’s been some good things (more on that in a moment), yes this birthday might be hard, but I’ll be fine. Yes, if you want to call me up this weekend, take me for coffee, surprise me with even a balloon, I won’t say no. Because I have hope.

To quote the late Harvey Milk, “I know that you cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. And you, and you, and you…have got to give them hope.”

I realized, and am still realizing, that the “you” in there includes giving hope to yourself. Yes, it’s a shit world where shit happens. But it’s also a wonderful world where amazing things and people live. Not everyone will understand and support you, and that’s to be expected.

I’ve been told that I’m resilient, and that I seem hopeful. I will snark back that “I’m tired of being resilient”. But…that’s not to say I can’t give hope to myself, to others, and try to live an honest life in an imperfect world where sometimes our decisions are a guess.

So, I hope this year I enter into a POSITIVE mirror of last year. After the 23rd of April, I will be on a leave of absence from Co-op Cannabis thanks to the help of the Union of Calgary Coop Employees. Yes, unions are a good thing because unlike Human Resources, unions look out for employees.

Over the next two months, thanks to Community Futures Treaty 7, Sagetechwork, and Aboriginal Futures, I will be training in a course which hopefully will get me a career in Calgary’s growing tech industry. As well, not only will I be learning the course, I will be a peer coach to 3-5 other students on anything they ask. While I also learn from them their experiences, stories, and challenges as First Nations people.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but for once in a long time… I have hope. I hope you have hope too. Remember, happiness is amazing. It’s so amazing sometimes it doesn’t matter if it’s yours or that of another person.

Live, Laugh, mADneSSs line of thoughts

Giving myself a quick hour to do something creative and humorous even if it is a random (to borrow from the late comedian George Carlin) “Brain dropping”. From my “Live, Laugh, mADneSSs” line of thoughts, words of wisdom, etc. Enjoy. Heh. Heehee. HehehehahahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA!

Live Laugh mADneSSs 1

Posting to EvanKayne.com not Facebook…how “meta”

TL; DR: Found pizza, found some joy, but someone else lost theirs. Burp.

This just happened a few weeks ago. I had just finished a closing shift at ye olde cannabis dispensary, it had been a week since they told us they were closing this location due to low sales (we’re unionized so most of us selected transfers to other stores). I had the weekend off and really just wanted to shower and crawl into bed so I could forget the world for 8 hours.

I live in a 3 story walk-up apartment block built in the 1950s. Dragging my sorry ass up the stairs to the top floor, I turn the corner and see what turned out to be 2 pizza boxes and some garlic bread placed on the floor in front of my apartment.

I didn’t order any pizza.

I knock on the doors of my neighbours, but no one had ordered it. My nearest neighbour says “Well, maybe its the universe rewarding you”. Dear Universe: I requested to be sole winner of a $50 million lottery ticket, not sure how you got pizza from that, but….thanks?

There was no note as to the address other than saying how many items, delivery time (8pm) and “Tower” for the location. Not sure if that was the person or the building, not sure how it got there. I could have called the pizza joint but I knew that they’d probably say “eh, keep it no charge, it’s been sitting out for 2 hours so we can’t do anything about it”. Or worse, they’d say “well, you should pay for it!!”

I’m hoping it was someone who did this to cheer me up. Better than an angry customer wondering where their pizza was and taking it out on the staff…who’d then take it out on the delivery driver.

It was not bad, and it made a shitty week less shitty, so I found a minuscule amount of hope. Yay!

New Flash Fiction! I’m on TikTok! I’m still here!

New flash fiction either in Podcast or print format. This new and original story, while a work of fiction, is based off a fever dream I had when I was in the hospital. Coming damn close to death in April made me think about a lot of things and people in my life. In the aboriginal community, dealing with resiliency, there is the idea we have to be like the American Buffalo or Bison. The Bison faces into the storm, walks through and toward it. By doing so, it gets out of the storm faster.

And sometimes it sucks where part of that storm is seeing a sibling with a terminal illness knowing that by this time next year, she won’t be around. It sucks knowing everything changes, yet nothing is truly lost. And senior citizens plant trees the shade of which they know they will never sit in.

So, what trees shall I plant? That’s why I write even sometimes when there is a storm in my soul.

Also… I’m also on TikTok now, I’ve cut short my hair, I’m still getting used to the supervisor position at work (more hours, slightly better pay, but still protected by the union), and I’m trying to remember that the future is an adventure as the seasons change. With that, Vivaldi’s Four Seasons recomposed by Max Richter

Cannabis 102 Potcast: Medical vs. Recreational

A new “potcast” on medical vs. recreational cannabis is now available here (or on the Podcast) page. I’ve been distracted by other things in life, and like everyone else living through a pandemic, I’m NOT fine, but I am here and pushing to continue walking forward. If you want to support me, besides following me on social media, you can tip me on my Ko-fi page. Thanks, remember to dance once a day, and keep moving forward.

Ducks & Airports – Two short flash fiction

So this week – as things are getting busy for me – I recorded two short fictions to my podcast channel. One was inspired by a Gary Larson “Far Side” cartoon on the irrational fear that somehow, somewhere, a duck is watching you. The other was a futuristic “slice of life at the airport” scene.

So. Links are as follows:
Click here: Text version of “Watch the Waterfowl”
Click here: Text version of “Just another Airport Story”
Click here: My Podbean page and this episode with both stories

Or just regularly visit my Podcasts page, and if you like what you see, follow me here or on social media (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook hyperlinks) and please donate to my Kofi page to help keep me sane and writing (or at least the right kind of benevolent crazy and writing).

Both Sides of THE End – flash fiction

Well, I finally got off my ass to post this. Reading it and the actions that occur, I hope you end up thinking “what…wait, why?” and wanting more. That’s the essence of #flashfiction – it’s a quick snapshot. The difference? A novel would be the equivalent of describing a house, the property it’s on, and the contents of a house. A short story is describing the contents of one room. A flash fiction is essentially you walking by a room and looking in at what’s happening as you walk by. Text of the story is available by CLICKING HERE or if you prefer to hear it as a podcast, go to my Podcasts page, or to my Podbean site.

The Missing Menu – a new flash fiction

The Missing Menu – a new flash fiction available in either podcast format or in text format! This flash fiction covers the thoughts and musings of some…thing as it’s sitting down to a meal.

Posting this was my challenge – and finally, with the help of some Ultra Sour sativa and playing “Eye of the Tiger” on a loop, I got it online. Although the tenth repeat the bird got pissed and started squawking in protest.

Why the delay in posting new creative? Well…I’m working on other stuff offline, and my laptop was going senile. So June was a write off as I tried to work around it. Fortunately a friend who works at Best Buy suggested I switch my hard drive out for a solid-state drive. And whoa, boy! Behaves about the same, but faster on startup. Unfortunately, while they were able to preserve a lot of my files, my desktop and any apps I need to download (Firefox, Audacity, GIMP) had to be updated.

Which also caused some issues. Yet, I persevered! True, I had to sigh and quote Dorothy Parker “What fresh Hell is this?” but…I’m also going to look at the Library of Stories page and think about how I could better organize it…maybe a table of contents? We’ll see.